Growing up, I was always a very active little girl. I played outdoors with my friends, was a cheerleader, rode horses, danced, swam, you name it. I was slender and athletic. Even through puberty, I maintained a healthy weight and was developing into a young woman with a figure. High School was filled with the usual insecurities of fitting in, friends, going to parties. There was lots of cheese fries and wine coolers consumed. By my senior year, I noticed I was putting some weight on and it began to worry me.
I went to College in Newport, Rhode Island and made a conscious effort not to gain weight but to lose it. I entered school at 160 lbs, came home for Thanksgiving 30lbs lighter. How did I do it? I severely restricted my calorie intake and took two aerobic classes every night at the local YMCA. I came home, freaked out my parents with my dramatic weight loss, friends gushed over how different
I looked. The attention was great. How I did it though was foolish, and I was on the road to an eating disorder. The feeling of acceptance from everyone was overpowering though.
After college, I met my boyfriend (now husband). I was 133lbs and looked fantastic. Once we moved in with one another, I started baking and trying out recipes. Over the next few years, my weight crept up slowly. By my wedding, I was around 150. I still looked fine, but it wasn't where I should've been. I'm 5'4 with a medium frame. I look my best at 135. The guidelines for a woman my height have me around 120lbs. I would look horrible at that weight. So 135 was always my goal.
By the time I got pregnant with my son, my weight was around 183. I was so happy to be pregnant. I ate, walked, enjoyed the whole experience. My Dr. was concerned that I was not gaining weight. She actually thought I was dieting. I wasn't though. I ate for 3. I developed Gestestional Diabetes while pregnant and had to watch what I ate. Some days I was good, some days I wasn't. I was told that generally the diabetes goes away after you deliver. By the time delivered Chris, I gained only 27 lbs. There was a lot of drama surrounding his birth and my health. It's too long of a story to get into but I had high blood pressure, was very very ill during delivery. I had a very long recovery from his delivery. I wasn't feeling well, was depressed, I went to my Dr and it was discovered that I never had a follow up glucose test. It turns out that my Gestational Diabetes became Type 2 Diabetes.
Over the next couple of years, when I met with my Dr. I'd lose a little, gain a little. He would comment that if I wanted to get better, I needed to lose weight. Yeah right, if it was only that easy. He made me feel bad about myself and I left feeling sad and discouraged. I did Weight Watchers, Atkins, everything under the sun to lose weight. I was controlling my diabetes with diet and exercise. Was I really controlling it? not really.
When I was 38 yrs old, I started to take oral medications for the Diabetes. Glipizide 1x a day. Then it was 2x a day. Then we added Lisonpril to manage my Kidneys. Around my 40th birthday, the foot pain began. I went to California. My dream vacation weighing in at 211 lbs. Not the weight I wanted to be for this dream vacation.
Fast forward to a year ago. I switched from the male Dr who shamed me because I couldn't just "lose the weight" to a caring understanding female Doctor. She put me on Lantus Solarstar pen insulin. 1 shot every morning with my Glipizide. She gave me a talking to about how I need to take care of myself so I can see Chris grow up and have a family of his own. I would leave her office motivated to make the change I needed to but somehow after a month, I slipped back into my routine of eating poorly. Stress played an enormous part of my life during 2013. I lost my grandfather in April. I ate out of stress prior to his passing. A lot of hospital food, snacks, restaurants nightly. When he died, I ate to stop the tears, I ate to make myself feel full and comforted. My foot pain increased, the feeling of hornets attacking my feet, the numbness and pain make it difficult to sleep. There is nothing more frustrating than waking up at 4am and have shooting pain in your feet.
I noticed that within the past year, I am unable to stand on my feet too long because of swelling and pain. My job requires me to walk around a bit. I end up sitting and doing a different task so I don't have to walk. I have begun riding horses again, however my feet cramp up terribly when I try to keep my heels down. Another reminder of this horrible disease.
Last week, I had blood drawn and feared the worst. Those fears were reality as I have now been put on Humalog insulin before each meal. I have high triglycerides and am severely anemic. I also have Hoshimotos Thyroiditis disease which is a whole other crappy disease to deal with.
My whole day now revolves around my diabetes. I can't blame anyone else. I did this. No one else did. Just me. I made the choice to eat what I did, not exercise consistently. I take my Lantus insulin when I wake up, with my Syntroid, (thyroid medication) then I wait an hour, check my blood sugars, take my humalog insulin, eat breakfast (no skipping that now). Then do the same at lunch and dinner. (check blood, shot, food) then I also take 4 lovaza fish oils and iron supplements daily too! oh what a joy! not really.
I am writing this blog because I hope maybe someone will read this that might have been recently diagnosed with Diabetes or even warned that they are Pre-Diabetic and will take it serious. I didn't. I was in la la land about it and now I'm giving myself 4 shots a day.
I'm am determined not to let this get the best of me. I WILL be off of these shots, I can't see myself doing this for the rest of my life. I want to live long and healthy.
This is the journey back to me. The real me. The healthy me.
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